Suicide Blonde

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?”

“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in
the mouth.”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger.”

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room
you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Joke: The recruit

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Joke: Ask Questions!

Phattu wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office…But she was dating someone else.

One day Phattu got so frustrated that he went to her and said, ‘I’ll give you  Rs 1000 if you let me have sex with you…’

The girl looked at him, and then said, ‘NO!’

Phattu said, ‘I’ll be real fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I’ll finish by the time you’ve picked it up.’

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, ‘Ask him for Rs 2000, and pick up the money really fast. He won’t even be able to get his pants down.’

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend’s call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, ‘What happened…?’

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, ‘The bastard had all in coins!’

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Joke: Negotiator

A well-dressed man approached a voluptuously beautiful young woman on the street and said, “Would you have sex with me for a million dollars?”

“For a MILLION dollars?!” she replied, more than a little stunned, “Of course I would!”

“Well, would you sleep with me for twenty five dollars?”

“Twenty five dollars? Don’t be ridiculous! What kind of girl do you take me for, anyway?”

“We’ve already established what kind of girl you are; now we’re just haggling over price.”

‘Have a strong risk management framework… Success is yours’…. Paresh Bhagat

 ‘Genius Trader’, that’s what they call him in his close circles. But unlike his high profile contemporary Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, this man is low profile. A man of few words, it took almost a month to conclude this interview…

But when it happened, what came out was his brilliant approach to trading. His disciplinary attitude and an absolute aversion to risk reflected the similarities he shares with the likes of legendary investors Jesse Livermore, Warren Buffet and Sir John Templeton.

Simply put, he believes ‘No matter what information you have, no matter what you are doing, you can be wrong… and when you are wrong: just take your loss and get out… That’s Paresh Bhagat, Chairman of Mangal Keshav Securities, whose characteristics and investing principles have made him, what he today is: A Genius Trader!

 (Please refer to the Research Reports Tab above to get the interview).

Kiss of death for Sensex and Nifty

One of the most bearish formations in our pattern library has been established on many stocks and indices in India. This pattern has also developed in Chinese equities, FTSE, currencies like EUR/JPY, GBP,etc.

The pattern formation has been too classic this time which usually results in rapid declines over the next few months. We have discussed this pattern and its implications in the diary (Quant Reckoner) which was despatched during early Jan ‘10. In the latest update of that report which was released on Wednesday (20-Jan-10), we have showcased that  the market failure is developing the “Kiss of death” pattern and can signal rapid declines.  

 

This pattern is based on the weekly MACD and its mechanics is as follows:

1)  Weekly MACD gets into a sell mode (MACD crossing below the trigger)

2)  Market survives temporarily and moves to a new high and then fails

3)  The move to new high pulls the MACD upto the trigger and then starts moving down again from the trigger. In other words, MACD moves up and kisses the trigger and then starts running down again (hence, we use the term “Kiss of death”.

(Please refer to the Research Reports page to get the full report. TAB ON THE TOP)

Mr Pravakar says…

If Nifty holds 4770 then bounce back till 5100 to 5150 not ruled out the correction has been very fast any recovery or pull back also will be equally fast and OIL & GAS, Power and PSU can lead the rally http://akprabhakar.blogspot.com/2010/01/nifty-sensex-view-and-january-impact-on.html Investor should understand correction is a part of market and it is here to happen and instead of buying in euphoria always buy when everyone is a seller in market we can never judge the low & high of the index or stock perfectly but systematic investment makes a big difference. Buy in small quantity on a regular basis and only in cash. Only in cash-Many don’t understand importance of this, 90% of leverage traders lose money to 10% of the brilliant traders and if you notice people doing derivative( F&O or Futures) make fast money to lose it even more faster in the slightest mistake or wrong trade. Why lose good (Hard earned) money on a trade? Always avoid F&O/Margin Funding and other leveraged trades if you want to make real money in this market.

Regards A.K.Prabhakar Equity Analyst (akprabha@gmail.com)

Emerging Market Stocks Poised for Sell-Off, Morgan Stanley Says

Emerging-market stocks are poised to fall as countries including China and India move closer to pushing up borrowing costs, according to Morgan Stanley.

Shares in economies experiencing the world’s fastest growth may see “corrections,” the New York-based firm said. Emerging- market stocks fell the most in three weeks yesterday after China’s central bank sold three-month bills at a higher interest rate for the first time in 19 weeks, raising concern government steps to curb lending growth will slow the economic expansion.

“The trigger for corrections in emerging-market equities could be central-bank tightening, and certainly China plays into that,” Michael Wang, a strategist at Morgan Stanley, said in an interview from London. “This is not the start of really restrictive monetary policy, but we certainly can see the market pull back in anticipation of rate hikes.”

A “correction” is commonly defined as an index’s retreat of at least 10 percent from a high.

The MSCI Emerging Markets Index fell 0.7 percent yesterday, retreating from a 17-month high, and stocks declined in Shanghai after China’s central bank sold three-month bills at 0.04 percentage point, or four basis points, higher than at last week’s auction. The emerging-market stock index posted a record 75 percent rally last year.

Options traders yesterday boosted bets that Chinese stocks will fall, placing five times as many bearish wagers as bullish ones, and bets that emerging-market shares will decline rose to the highest in a month.

‘Largest Stimulus Package’

“China had the largest stimulus package of the downturn in both percentage and absolute terms, and as they begin to bleed that off it’ll create challenges,” said Stephen Wood, who helps oversee $174 billion as chief market strategist for North America at Russell Investments in New York. “They want to slow down. The only strong growth story of 2009 was China, but in 2010 that’s not the case.”

The Chinese economy grew an estimated 8.5 percent last year, leading the world out of the first global recession since World War II, boosted by a 4 trillion yuan ($586 billion) stimulus package that included funding for roads, bridges and power plants. Policy makers will seek “moderate” loan growth while managing inflation expectations, the People’s Bank said on Jan. 6 in a report on its annual work meeting.

Chinese Growth

China’s economy is projected to grow 9.4 percent this year, while Brazil’s gross domestic product will probably rise 4.75 percent, up from an estimated 0.2 percent last year, and the U.S. will expand 2.6 percent, reversing a 2.5 percent contraction in 2009, according to the median forecasts of economists surveyed by Bloomberg.

More than 54,000 puts giving the right to sell the iShares FTSE/Xinhua China 25 Index Fund traded yesterday, more than double the four-week average.

The exchange-traded fund that tracks an index of the 25 largest Chinese stocks fell 1.6 percent to $43.87. The most- active contracts were February $40 puts, which rose 23 percent to 54 cents and accounted for almost a quarter of all bearish options trading yesterday.

“It’s quite an unusual pattern,” said Jonathan Masse, who helps oversee about $570 million at Walnut Creek, California- based AlphaShares LLC, the fund co-founded by Princeton University economist Burton Malkiel. “There’s more anxiety in the market thanks to China’s signaling tightening.”

Trading of bearish options on the iShares MSCI Emerging Markets Index Fund climbed to 174,746, the highest in a month and 66 percent higher than the four-week average. The ETF, which tracks companies in 22 nations, slumped 0.6 percent to $42.86. The most-active contracts were March $40 puts, which rose 6 percent to $1.23 on volume that was six times the average for that contract.

Retrenched Or Facing A Professional Crisis?

Are you in the same situation of having been retrenched or are facing some crossroad in your career or professional life? Here are some suggestions on how to get yourself out of it:

1. Acknowledge the Crisis

Losing a job can create as much emotional turmoil as losing a loved one; one may go through the different stages of loss, starting with denial, followed by anger and depression, before acceptance comes.

I know one 45-year old man who went through these stages recently, after losing his high paying job of 15 years. Initially, he refused to accept that he was facing a professional crisis. He dismissed the whole situation as “just a bad patch” that he was going through, blaming it all on an “incompetent boss” and was confident that the ex-boss would soon be begging him to rejoin the company. “Right now,” he said, “all I want is to take a long holiday and worry about it later.”

Two months after this discussion, when it finally dawned on him that his ex-boss was not going to call him back, he then became consumed with anger and hurt. He started bad-mouthing his former employer and told everyone he had resigned because of unethical practices.

When he first came to me, he was already in the depression stage. He could not understand why he, of all the staff in the organization, was fired. Was it because he was too frank and not adept at politicking? Was it some inadequacy on his part?

I told him that the first step towards moving forward is to acknowledge that he is indeed facing a crisis in his life. He was now 45, and it is a fact that many potential employers would prefer younger candidates to fill up job vacancies. No doubt experience counts, but many would-be employers are willing to forego that for they perceive as creativity that is unfettered by past experiences.

Once he has acknowledged he is facing a professional crisis he can then choose how to respond to it.

2. Explore the Options

I have always loved the way the Chinese express the word “crisis”. The Chinese character for “crisis” actually comprises two characters – one means “danger” and the other “opportunity.”

Oxford Dictionary defines “crisis” as “a time of intense difficulty or danger; a turning point for better or worse.” The origin comes from the Greek word krisis which means “decision.”

Whichever way we choose to look at it, one unifying theme defines it: A crisis serves as a wake-up call to alert us to both danger (and turmoil) arising out of non-synchronicity in our lives, as well as to opportunities that can lead to greater things in life. The eventuality depends on the choices and decisions we make.

So take this as a wonderful opportunity to step back and detach yourself from the situation, take a new, fresh look at what you really want for your life and then make the move forward to the life you deserve!

3. Redefine Your Purpose and Passion

How many people really take the time to push the pause button on their lives in order to explore what is their true passion and purpose? Very few, I believe. People just tend to flow along in the path of least resistance – from school to college to job after job, with very little thought given to what they really want to achieve in their lives until it’s probably too late for them to do very much.

So count your blessings now that you have received this wake-up call and been given this opportunity to pause from the auto-drive mode you are in to explore and to discover your purpose and passion.

Reflect on the following questions:
a. Do you feel good about yourself, your life, and where you are going?
b. If time and money are not a problem, what would you be doing on a daily basis?
c. What do you really want for your life? What don’t you want? What have you settled for?
d. Do you feel fulfilled and satisfied with your life choices so far? If not, what would you change if you could?

Whether you are experiencing a professional crisis right now or not, let this article be a reminder for you to step back, re-assess where life is leading you and if you discover that you have been sacrificing meaning, fulfillment, balance and happiness in life for the outward trappings of “career success”, it’s time to regain control of your life and choose a more meaningful path to self-fulfillment.