Start your day with a smile…..

Doctor to patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A good doctor..
 
Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
  
Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
  
Wife-Oye ji, Sunte Ho,Utho Utho,Raat ke 2 baje he.
Husband- itni rat ko Q…Uthaya Mujhe?????
Wife-Aap neend ki goli Lena to bhul Hi gaye..!
 
Interviewer>To bataiye PANI ke bina Insan kaise Marega?
Sardar>PANI nai hoga to Insan Tairega kaise? Aur Tairega nahi to doob jayega!
 
Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
  
Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That’s an unbelievable exchange offer!!!
 
Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Judge: Don’t U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court..
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don’t U have shame?
 
Question: “Should Women have Children after 35?”
Smart Sardar Replied: “No!
35 Children R More than Enough!!”

Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
 
Sardar got a sms from his girl friend: “I MISS YOU”
Sardarji replied: “I Mr YOU” !!.
  
After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice. He Checked 1st Patient’s Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said: “Torch is okay”
 
Sardar1: Oye, what will happen if electricity is not discovered?
Sardar2: Nothing, we must watch TV in candle light.
 
Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: ” Bombay … Bombay “
Air hostess said: “B silent.”
Sardar: “Ok.. Ombay. Ombay”

Teacher: “What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?”
Sardar: “All are born on government holidays…!!!
 
Sardar: Miss, Do u called 2 my mobile?
Teacher: Me? No, why?
Sardar: Yesterday I saw in my mobile… 1 Miss Call”.

 

Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

Court sawals and answers

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?

WITNESS: He s aid, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: You’re kidding me, right!?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt’in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

This is why I don’t go to 5 star hotels

Question : “What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?”

Answer: “tea please”

Question : ” Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?”

Answer : “Ceylon tea “

Question : “How would you like it ? black or white ?”

Answer: “white”

Question: “Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?”

Answer: “With milk “

Question: “Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk”

Answer: “With cow milk please.

Question: ” Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?”

Answer: ” Um, I’ll take it black. “

Question: ” Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?”

Answer: “With sugar”

Question: ” Beet sugar or cane sugar ?”

Answer: “Cane sugar “

Question:” White , brown or yellow sugar ?”

Answer: “Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.”

Question: “Mineral water or still water ? “

Answer: “Mineral water”

Question: “Flavored or non-flavored ?”

Answer: “I’ll rather die of thirst

New virus alert !!

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.  If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Family problems

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, “You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.” We call this arranged marriage.

I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.”

The American said, Talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. “After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son i.e. my brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..

And you say you have family problems..

Gimme a break !!

Rajnikant facts

You want to know who Rajanikanth is ????….here are the facts

Rajanikanth makes onions cry

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say “no one’s perfect”, Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

Newton’s laws (new)

Universal law:

“Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money “

First law:

“A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. “

Second law:

“The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. “

Third law:

“The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slap.

The Great Indian Magician

Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.
 
The first one said,” During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick”
The second one said, ” Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it”
The third one sighed and said,” Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue”.

Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, “Hey what happened ? Who is that guy ? “
One of the magicians whispered, ” He is the World’s greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company’s balance sheet in front of everyone’s eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it “

Welcome to Wall Street

Once upon a time in a village in America , a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts.
The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they
started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.’

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to WALL STREET.

20 rules in any office

1. Rule 1. - The Boss is always right.

2. Rule 2. – If the Boss is wrong, see rule 1.

3. Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.

 

4. Ph.D. stands for “Pull Him Down”. The more intelligent a person, the more hardworking a person, the more committed a person; the more number of persons are engaged in pulling that person down.

 

5. If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

 

6.. When the Bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

 

7. It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you are going to do.

 

8. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

 

9. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

 

10. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

 

11. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it…

 

12. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

 

13.. Following the rules will not get the job done.

 

14. If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

 

15. Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous” .

 

16. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

 

17. You can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work you are supposed to be doing.

 

18. In order to get a promotion, you need not necessarily know your job.

 

19. In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.

 

20. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.