Marwari ishtyle of selling….

A keen immigrant Indian Marwadi boy applied for a salesman’s job at  London’s premier downtown dept store. In fact, it was the biggest  store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”  ”Yes sir, I was a salesman in India”, replied the boy.

The boss liked the cut of him and said,  ”You can start tomorrow, I’ll come and see you.”

The day was long and arduous for the young man,  but he got through it. And finally 6:00 pm came around.

The boss duly fronted up and asked,  ”How many sales did you make today?”

“Sir, Just ONE sale.” said the young salesman.  ”Only one sale?” blurted the boss.  ”No! No! You see here, most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day”.  ”If you want to keep this job, you’d better be doing better than just one sale.

By the way “How much was the sale worth?”  ”50,500/- pounds” said the young Marwadi.  ”What”, how did you manage that?” asked the flabbergasted boss.

“Well”, said the salesman, “This man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,  then a medium hook and finally a really large hook.
Then I sell him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.  Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
So I told him he’d be needing a boat, so I took him down to the boat department  and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines.  Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn’t be able to pull it, so I took him  to our automotive department and sold him that new Deluxe 4X4 Blazer.

I then asked him where he’ll be staying, and since he had no accommodation,  I took him to camping dept and sold him one of those new igloo  6-sleeper camper tents.  Then the guy said, “while we’re at it, I should throw in about $100  worth of groceries  and two cases of beer.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, ”You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook!!”

“No” answered the salesman,  ”he came in to buy a box of Sanitary napkins for his wife and I said to him,  ”Sir, your weekend’s screwed anyway. You might as well go fishing.”

Three Accountants

Three accountants were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.

The first accountant finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used 3 paper towels and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.

Turning to the other two accountants, he said, “At Price Waterhouse Coopers, we are trained to be extremely thorough.”

The second accountant finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.

He turned and said, “At KPMG, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.”

The third accountant finished, pulled up his zipper and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, “At Shah & Patel, we don’t piss on our hands.”

Ramayan continues…

Quotes

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?’Patrick Henry, 1775′he said.

‘Very good! Who said ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?”

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. ‘Abraham Lincoln , 1863′ said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F ___ the Indians,’ ‘Who said that?’ she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ‘General Custer, 1862.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glares around and asks ‘All right! Now, who said that?’ Again, Chandrasekhar says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky,1997′

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’ Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, we’re screwed!’ And Chandrasekhar said quietly, ‘I think it was Lehmann Brothers, November 4th, 2008′.

Political dramas… India !!!

No comments… watch the picture carefully…

 

Karunanidhi goes on for a HUNGER Strike…. with full media coverage….

Fasting starts after breakfast… stays for 4 hours, ends before lunch… he didnt want to miss any comfort (except food) for that time…..

A tribute to Married life…

Wife: ‘What are you doing?’
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: ‘Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.’
Husband: ‘I was looking for the expiry date.’

Wife : ‘Do you want dinner?’
Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’
Wife: ‘Yes or No.’

Wife: ‘You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why dear?’
Hubby: ‘When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.’
Wife: ‘You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you.’
Hubby: ‘Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?’

Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’
Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’
Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’

Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’
Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’
Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’
‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!’

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.
The guy replies: ‘Thanks for the early warning.’

A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week and Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied: ‘Your Horse phoned!!!’

Whoz smart?

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.

The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”

The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”

So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers : Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times *milder* than his wife .

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they’re really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Paraprosdokians

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I
stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in
a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in
a fruit salad.
11. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed
to tell you why it isn’t.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
15. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but
you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17. I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and
50 for Miss America ?
20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
that you will look forward to the trip.
26. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if
you wish they were.
27. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
31. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you
hit the target.
33. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.
35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as
when you are in it.
36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people
have more than one child?
37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Suicide Blonde

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the
tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by
shooting your finger off?”

“No silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest,
and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants,
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid
$3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in
the mouth.”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to
make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I
pulled the trigger.”

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room
you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.